Fallout
by Caitlynnn
Summary: It started out as rescue mission to save his "friends" life from the drug, but it ends up Eli trying to save his own life from the cocaine's snare. Rated M for language, possible sex, and Drugs.
1. Chapter 1

**Someone told me on twitter that Munro Chambers wanted Eli to have some sort of drug problem. And I thought about it, it would be interesting. (I wouldn't be surprised if Degrassi considered it. I can see him doing it, everyone gets high on there.) He would do a brilliant job too. **

**Originally I was going to do this with SeeingSparrks,(You should check her out she's freaking amazing.) But she is currently busy, so I'm doing this as a solo project. **

**I do not own Degrassi.**

"Okay, okay, okay!" I had Adam in a headlock. "Say it!" I yelled.

"Damnit! I'm giving up….Uncle!" I released him, and laughed. He gasped for air, as he fell to the ground.

I held my hand out, he rolled his eyes and as he handed me the game controller. "I hate you," He mumbles as he rubs the back of his neck.

"Yeah, I love you too." I punch his shoulder. "Just shutup. Just shutup and play," He shakes his head.

From downstairs I hear a door slam, and something breaks. I look at Adam, we both run downstairs to see the commotion.

"What the hell?" Drew shoves K.C. I roll my eyes. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you guys are high or drunk." Adam says. "Or both," I whisper.

They look at us like we're ghosts. Their stained glass eyes are distant. "Adam if you say anything!" Drew grabs Adam's shirt. I twist Drew's arm. K.C gabs me. "Dude, get off me."

My temper was a short fuse. Especially with this bastard. Adam pushes Drew off of him and he loosens K.C grip on me. I huff and smooth my shirt.

Drew pulls out a small ziplock back. "Nice, crank," I sigh and roll my eyes. "Here," K.C shoves the crank at me. "I don't want it!" I drop the bag.

They stare at me. Oh shit. I grab my keys and make my way out to Morty. Adam follows me and quickly gets in. I pull out. "Drew's a idiot." Adam says mostly to himself.

"When is your mom coming home?" I ask him. "Soon," He sighs. "You want to help them." I know the answer, but he nods. I sigh and do a sharp U-turn.

I speed back to Adam's house, when we get there I fly out of the car with Adam right behind me. "Give me it," I open my hand out for the ziplock bag.

"No way-" Drew starts to say, but Adam cuts him off, "Drew he's saving your ass, give it to him, mom's coming home soon and if she was you with that," He snaps.

Drew unwillingly hands me the bag, and K.C. interjects, "We want it back tomorrow," And he laughs. "God, you guys are out of it." I shake my head. "Better come up with a story, your mom is home," I say as I put the stuff in my pocket.

I smile at his mom as I head back in to my car. I leave the bag on my lap. I occasionally stared down at it.

I thought about it at one point. I went to a stupid party, the kid just turned thirteen. Both parents were druggies, they didn't really care. The stuff was laced in the drinks.

By the end of the party, I was the only sane person. It was never my scene. I couldn't see myself doing it. I shake my head as I put it in the cup holder. I put a piece of paper on top of it.

When I get home I take the crank and I put it in my coat pocket. "Hey mom," I quickly smile as I head up stairs.

Clare and I were still working on my room. It was at that point where I could sleep on my bed without things falling on me. There was enough room for three people to stand and have some space.

I grabbed my phone and dialed her number. I sat down on the edge of my bed. "Hey Eli," She said after the first two rings. I smiled automatically. "Hey what are you up to?" I look down at the bag.

"I'm finishing up my science project," She moans. "Ahh…Do you think you can take a quick break?" I ask twisting the bag a little. "Depends, what time would I be home?" I hear something drop.

"Are you okay?" I laugh. "Um, yeah," She laughs. "And um, I just wanted you to you." I cough a little.

I knew Clare wanted to be K.C.'s friend, too. I thought maybe Clare could convince K.C. to stop this before he couldn't get off this crank train. I've seen how this stuff devours people. It only gets worse.

"Uh-huh…Something bad happen at Adam's?" She asks. I laugh with no amusement. "You could say that, yeah."

"Okay, pick me up. I'll be waiting outside." I disconnect the phone and grab my keys. My mom opens her mouth to say something. "I'm just seeing Clare," I say. She smiles and nods.

"Be safe," She yells as I close the door.

On my way to Clare's I think about it some more. I shake my head at the possibilities. It's stupid. I was smarter than this. The only thing I tried was weed. It's not very addictive. Unless it was laced.

I stop the car in front of her house. Clare gathers her stuff and gets in. I quickly give her a peck on the lips. "So, what's wrong?" She asks. I throw her the bag.

She picks it up. "Eli what is-" she opens the bag and gasps. "You're not using-" I shake my head. "I'm not, but Drew and K.C. are."

I stare at her quickly. Her mouth opens wide as she stares at the bag. "What are we going to do?" She says after a while. I clear my throat. "You're going to talk to K.C. while I wait outside."

You know his mom was a druggie. She's been clean for a while. But I just never thought…" She stops. I grimace at her. "It happens." I shrug.

I wish I could say something sympathetic, but I have nothing to say to that asshole.

I park near the alley way near his apartment. Clare gets out. "This could be a while." She sighs. "Take as long as you need." I smile at her in encouragement. She rolls her eyes as she closes the door.

She never took the cocaine. I put it aside for a while.

I turn up the volume. I guess I can try to study for finals this week. I'm in a lot of pressure. I have to work at the diner tomorrow, too. I don't know how to way everything out.

I have finally been able to sleep but now I have no time. My grades aren't bad, I'm passing, but just barely. I really like working at the diner. But considering I pass by _her _grave every time I go, I don't know if I should keep going.

I grab the razor with the crank. The tin foil is on the floor. I put all of it down just grabbing the tin foil. I reach back and grab my back pack and get old Tupperware lid from a while back.

What the fuck am I doing? I lay the chunk on the Tupperware lid, I take the razor and try to cut a line from it. It takes a while, but I do it.

I hold the Tupperware with the crank on it, and the tin foil in the other hand.

My heart races a little, I can feel it. I have a lighter in my backpack. I do all that I need to do.

I stare at it for a while. Just trying it.

I close my eyes before I snort it up.

**What do you think? Terrible? This is the first chapter, I have so much stuff up my sleeve for this story…Eli still works at the diner,(The diner is from my other story Insomnia) there's going to be a huge reason for why it's in here. I do know what addiction can do to you, my uncle sadly use to do crank, but, he's been clean for a while now. So, anyways…R&R!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I have decided, since I only got one review, and a few people that are following, I'm still going to write. Thanks to SeeingSparrks(check her stuff out she's a brilliant writer.)**

**Anyways, I do not own Degrassi, If I did, I would have all the eclare fluff in the promo…**

**This chapter takes place a day after he uses the cocaine.**

"Eli, did you sleep at all?" My mom hands me a piece of toast. "What? Yeah." Nod to myself. "Why are you still in the same clothes then?"

I shake my head. "I just kind of was on and off last night," I smile a little. "Uh-huh." She drinks a little bit of her coffee. I look at the time. "Oh, I should go pick up Clare or something…."

I knew what I needed to do. It didn't involve Clare though. It involved K.C. I can't even remember what happened last night. My brain was so fuzzy. I flew so high, so high I still haven't come down.

I get I Morty and see the stuff. I quickly grab it. I shake my head. It was only once. Only once.

I swerve put of my parking spot and speed to K.C.'s. I look down at the stuff. No, I can't. I throw the stuff to the ground. I need to do something with it.

Once I get to K.C's I pretty much run out. I try to remember what Clare was saying about which room was his. I was so out of it, I was just trying to keep my cool. I laughed at inappropriate times when she was talking to me.

"K.C open the door." I bang on it. He opens it. "Eli," He says. Then he remembers. "Where is it?" He says urgently. "In my car." I tell him.

He gets a jacket and follow me out. "I was thinking you weren't going to give it back," He chuckles. I want to sock him. I roll my eyes as I open the passenger door. "Here it is," I point to it on the ground then pick it up.

I try to give it to him. "Well, are you going to let go?" He says. I grimace and look away. "No way, you tried it, huh? Oh my God, wait tell Clare-" I take his head and slam it into Morty.

"Don't you dare tell Clare, she can't know. And I'm never using it again." I give it to him this time. "Damn Eli, chill out. I was kidding." He rubs his face.

"How was it? Your first time?" He smiles. I look down. My nasal was on fire…My head was gone. I couldn't feel it. Everything was….in colors I never seen. "Terrible." I say as I enter the car.

"Ha, whatever dude." He says closing my door.

I shake my head as I go over to The Dot. I was going to try to meet Adam here. I do see Drew talking to Bianca. I hated her. She annoyed me to no end.

"Hey, is Adam with you?" I ask Drew. He looks up at me. "Dude, what happened to you?" He laughs. Oh my God. I should have changed. "Just answer my question dickhead." I roll my eyes.

"Yeah, he's using the restroom," He says looking down at the floor. "You know, if you need a connection, I got it here," Bianca smiles.

"A connection for what?" I turn around. It's Clare. "For nothing," I push past here and sit in a booth. Clare walks over to me. "Are you okay?" She sits down next to me and puts a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm fine," I tell her. I spot Adam, he quickly says something to Luke and he comes over to us. "So, how was talking to K.C last night?" He sits across from us.

I shrug. "Ask Clare, she talked to him." I tune myself out from the conversation.

After a while, Adam kicks me from under the table. "Oww, what?" I snap.

"Dude, I was just asking if you wanted anything to eat." He looks at me quickly. "No, I'm not hungry." Or thirsty, or tired.

"Maybe you should eat something, you look tired. And kind of sick." Clare says. "I really care about your concern and all, but I'm fine." I get up from the booth and go to the restroom.

I look in the mirror. I splash some water on me.

When I get out, Bianca looks at me, I try to avoid eye contact.

I grab my keys from the table and walk out to Morty. Clare and Adam watch me as I pull out. I need to get out of here. I don't know what to do.

**6:00 pm**

"Hey, Eli, I just wanted to see if you were okay. I didn't see you at school at all…Call me back when you can." Clare and Adam have been leaving me voicemails. Delete.

I'm all of a sudden anxious, there's a burn in the back of my throat. It's dry with…something.

My phone vibrates again. Clare. I decide whether to answer or reject call. I leave my phone on my bed.

I grab my keys. I have work in a hour. I work seven to eleven tonight. I cut my hours to where I don't work at night like I use to. I don't know if I could do that again.

I drive around town for a while.

But then I couldn't keep myself away.

I walked up those stairs again like I did this morning. "K.C. open up," I almost sounded desperate. "What the fuck?" He says opening the door.

He obviously just used. "Is your mom home?" I ask him looking around. He laughs. "Nah, come in. She's visiting my dad in jail," He moves out of the way. I just nod.

Guilt filled my stomach. I wanted to puke. "Ahh, doing homework?" I look at the stacks of papers on the coffee table.

"I will tonight," He laughs. "I have work tonight." I tell him. Why am I here?

"What do you want?" He crosses his arms. "How much is it?" I ask. I point to his ziplock bag. "You serious?" He says measuring me. I nod.

Wait, am I? No, I need to leave.

"Hmm…It's about fifty-five for a gram. But I'm not the dealer. Bianca is, and that Fitzgerald kid is." I roll my eyes. Great.

"Here, I'll write down Bianca's number," He gets a piece of paper and looks in his phone and writes it down and hands it to me.

"So, what's your for using?" He smiles at me deviously. I want to smack that smile off his face. "Fine, you don't have to tell me." He laughs. "Mine is Jenna, and schoolwork. I've been exhausting myself with all this bullshit." He shakes his head.

"As much as I love to hear your sob story, I have to go to work now." I put the number in the back of my pocket. "Hey, Eli, if you need a place to get high, I can hook you up." He says as I head out the door.

I look down at Bianca's number. I need my phone to call. I'll just do it at work. What? Am I actually considering this? What the hell is going on?

To admit, I loved it.

I enter the parking lot to the diner, I see Barbra's car, I swear, the diner is her life. She's always here. I remember her telling me this diner has been passed down from her dad's dad to her.

I go in and see the usual suspects. "Hey guys," I smile at the couple that remind me of my parents. "Hey son!" They say. I just nod at them.

I go in the back and get my apron. "Hey Eli," Barbra says. "Hey." I barely smile. "So, um, a girl called." She says handing me the number. I don't take it.

"Was her name Clare?" I ask her. She thinks and nods. "I don't need to know what's going on, but your personal life is not needed her." She says as she brings a platter of food out.

Right.

My shift is in a couple minutes, I grab Bianca's number out and dial it on the phone we have here.

On the third ring she answers. "Hello?" She says in a lifeless voice. "I need….a gram." I tell her. She laughs. "K.C. told me you might call."

I am going to punch him.

"But, do you have the money?" She asks. I nod to myself. "Yeah, I do."

"Okay, what time is your shift over?" She coos. That freaks me out. "Eleven." I say quickly.

"Alright, meet at the park?"

"Okay, the park." I agree and hang up.

**Oh shizz! I have so much stuff for this story it's ridiculous. R&R please! It would make me very happy…**


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay, I'm sorry, I do know that I put Luke instead of Drew. Here's my lame excuse, it was past one when I was typing it.(Although that is very early for me. Haha) **

**Okay, writing this has been an experience, let me tell you. Addiction is scary as hell. I write from my personal experience, and my uncle's. **

**I have so much for this, I've been saying that, but a LOT of the stuff I add is from my past, and my family's. I'm just warning now, that after this chapter, it MIGHT be a little crazy….**

**Eli isn't OOC, but simply hooked on something that changes your personality once you start on crank.**

**Reviews are great…(and I'll say it again, check out SeeingSparrks and thesidkidd they're both freaking amazing..)**

**I do not own Degrassi, I do however own the diner, and Barbra and Favio.**

Once I was done with my shift I was slowly taking my time signing out.

I went to the back of to grab my text books and I remembered I still had some homework to do. I was trying to get into Harvard. CeCe says I'd be perfect for them. Whatever that meant.

I was still weighing the options to either stay a year in Toronto to wait for Clare, or try a long distance relationship. Everytime I thought about it my stomach went in knots.

I didn't want to think about future, it was a struggle living today.

I thought about Adam. I had no idea what his plans were but I wanted to be friends with him the rest of my life. I just don't know how it would work out…

I made my way to Morty pretty pissed at myself. I don't even know how I get here. I couldn't believe myself. This was just an escape.

Clare makes me happy. She makes me feel alive. I feel like a terrible boyfriend cause I always seem to fuck up every relationship. But yet, I don't stop.

Like earlier today, all she did was ask if I was okay. But I had to give her the cold shoulder. Clare was strong. But she'd never forgive me. Or Adam for that matter…

The park is dark and there's only Bianca's cat. I see Fitz and her together.

I really didn't want to deal with Fitz.

I get out of the car and walk over to them ad grimace. What am I doing…burying myself.

"Hey Goldsworthy," Fitz laughs. I just nod and cross my arms. I was paid tonight, and I had some extra cash on me.

"So, eight ball or gram?"

I counted how much I had, "Just gram." I sighed. Bianca gets in her car and pulls out her stash.

"It's not the best, but doable. So, I'll just charge you fifty-five," She narrows in on me. That's all the money I had. "Here," I shove the money at her.

"What is emo boy scared?" Fitz taunts. I laugh with no amusement, Cute pet name." I mumble.

Bianca has a slate and a razor, she cuts a line, they both snort it up. I grab her slate and razor and do the same.

The rush is incredible. The second time more powerful than the first. Your nose feels like it's on fire. Your whole body on fire. Nothing can stop you. Nothing.

"Hey, Eli, does your little Christian girlfriend know about this?" Bianca laughs drawing another line.

"Pssh, no." I roll my eyes. "She can't know."

My brain disconnects, I feel alive, my body going insane.

"Look what I brought?" Bianca throws me a spray paint.

I laugh and smile deviously. "Are we doing this?" I run over to the playground.

Fitz and Bianca laugh with me. "Let's fuck this place up!" Fitz yells.

"Shh." I put a finger to my lips, but laugh at the thought of how ridiculous it probably looks.

I shake the can and spray at the slide. I jump on it and slide down. "We're so busted for this!" Bianca squeals. I go over to her and whisper in her ear. "Not if we get caught."

She giggles. I go back to the slide and go up and down. "Guys, I made a bunnie!" Fitz yells.

My brain is racing, I feel my pulse. I'm soaring so high, so high I can't fall.

Hours later, I mean HOURS later, we have destroyed the playground. A round of high fives and laughs echo through the park and we leave.

I'm stilled buzzed by the time we get back to Bianca's house. More than buzzed. On FIRE. "No one is ever home." She says unlocking the door.

We all stumble in. I go over to her kitchen and grab a beer from her fridge and pass it to Fitz, and one to Bianca. I grab one for me and chug it until I puke it up.

Beer, and a empty stomach do not mix. I go back to her kitchen and see vodka. I take three shots. "That'll make you piss your pants. It goes right through." Fitz snickers.

I try to be serious, but I crack. "Too late." Bianca scrunches her nose.

"Another round?" I ask. I hold up the bottle of vodka and they nod. I pour it in shot glasses and shove it at them. I gulp down two.

"I can't wait to tell Clare this!" Fitz chuckles.

I throw the Vodka bottle at him, he dodges just in time.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Fitz yells. "Don't you dare tell Clare!" I yell back. He snorts. "Right, your appearance is going to give it away anyways." He rolls his eyes.

I throw my shot glass and this time, it hits his stomach. It shatters on the floor. He just laughs at me. Bianca rolls her eyes. I grab her shot glass and throw it on the ground again.

Fitz takes his and throws it at me.

I blank out.

**1:30pm. **

I slowly open my eyes. All I know is I'm on a couch. Bianca right next to me. Fitz cleaning the floor.

"What the hell?" I ask getting up. "You guys look like shit." I laugh. Bianca raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me? Freak look at yourself."

I get up and go to her bathroom. "What the hell happened?" I yell. "Wow, you started it emo boy." Fitz comes in the bathroom holding up the shattered shot glass.

My right side of my head has a gash. "Why didn't you guys take me to the hospital?" The pain is starting to surface. Oh my God. I slowly make my way back to the couch.

I put my head in my palm. "Ugh." I moan. "I'm going to need stitches!"

Not to think my mom is going to flip when she sees me. "I missed school today." Clare. Adam.

"I got to go." No goodbye. No promises.

I steal some of her crank. She won't ever notice.

By the time I get home I try to sneak past by my mom.

"Eli where have you been?" She says exasperated. "I uh, got caught up at a friends." I hide my face. "What? What's wrong?" She comes over to me. I quickly run upstairs and lock my door.

I laugh despite myself. I grab my phone and look. Damn. Thirty missed calls. All of them are from Clare and Adam.

I grab my stuff for a shower. I hope to clear my head. They're slowly starting to make sense, my thoughts.

When I get out, I go back to my room. I quickly get out my crank. I make sure to do it quietly so one knows.

I snort it up.

**7:.45am**

I've been up all night, doing homework, well try. I mostly laugh at myself, and drink beer. I tried to make a fusion of beer and coffee. Tasted like shit.

I ran to the bathroom and looked at my head. Not too bad. The gash is still there.

I walk downstairs. My mom sees me. She drops her cup. "What?" I ask. "Your head!" She runs over to me. I look away.

"How did you get that? And your eyes. Have you been drinking?" She takes my chin. I close my eyes. "Please, stop. I'm fine." I shrug her off. I get a beer and I show it to her as I exit out the door.

I'm not really going to drink it, so I throw it at my door. I laugh as I watch it flow down the steps. I see our next door neighbor. She was staring at me. "What?" I snap.

I get in Morty and turn on the radio. "The local park tagged-" I turn off the radio. My stomach flips out. I need to throw up.

I try to convince myself. It wasn't me. I didn't do anything. I'm not like that…

I pull in my usual spot. I walk out like a zombie. I have beer breath. Great. "Uh, hey, you see this?" Adam punches me. "This is a phone, and you answer it." He yells.

"Not now Adam." He needs to leave before I punch him. "Clare and I have been trying to reach you for two days! And what the hell happened to your head?" He shoves me.

"Adam get the fuck out of my face!" I shove him to the ground.

I shake my head as I walk away. I'm really hoping Clare isn't here yet.

I don't want to deal with her too.

I head straight to English. Ms. Dawes in here grading tests. I just sit in my usual spot and lay my head on my desk. The bell rings and everyone floods in. My brain is gone, I'm gone.

"Alright my beautiful people!" Ms. Dawes says as I shut her out.

"Eli? Eli!" I look up. "Are you with us?" Obviously not. "Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry." I shake my head. "Are you okay Mr. Goldsworthy? You haven't said a word! You always have something to say!"

I nod.

Class eventually ends and I make my way to my messy locker. Clare grabs me. I don't look at her. "Eli talk to me." She grabs my hand. I slip out of her grasp.

"Are you okay?" She looks at me and gasps. I'm only guessing she saw the gash. "I'm fine." I snap. "No, you aren't. What was with you throwing Adam to the ground? And your head?"

I ball my fist. Ready to hit, but instead I pull my hair. "Nothing! Just let it go."

She sighs. "Okay, okay…Do you want to-"

"Stop with the questions Clare!" I raise my fists. "What is wrong with you!" She yells. I look around. She's making a scene.

She grabs me. I back away. "JUST FUCK OFF CLARE!"

She looks at me, and turns away.

**Review please! Thanks.**


	4. Chapter 4

**I do not own Degrassi. I do own the diner and Favio and Barbra. **

When you fly so high, you crash hard.

I went back home for a while. I was surprised that my mom or dad was there when I came back.

I put my stash upstairs and looked at my phone. No messages. No one called. I was both pissed and relieved.

I decided to do something normal. Take a shower and try to start at homework. I had no idea what we were learning about. My brain was a little foggy still.

My temper was getting bad. I should take my pills. I should apologize. The way I acted to Clare and Adam was not right.

Especially Clare….God, I'm an ass! I slam my fist into the shower walls. I sigh heavily and quickly finish. The water is like knives to my back.

Once I get out I go into the kitchen and try to eat something, but I'm not really hungry. I see my reflection from the toaster. My eyes are starting to get droopy.

I look at the time. I have to go work soon. I don't want to go.

I quickly grab my stash and get in Morty, I go to the place where Julia died. It's eye shot from the diner. Clare and I talked about me not working there. Because whenever I came to work, I would always pass by the place she died.

I stopped my car on the side of the road and just sat there. I made a promise to never be high at work, but I feel so guilty.

You can't just flirt with crank and get away with it. You end up liking it, until it gets its hooks in you so deep. Until it becomes a point where you need it. I was scared at going that far.

I don't want to be addicted. I don't want to depend on it. But I know from where I'm at with it, most likely I will. I can handle it.

I laugh at how stupid that sounds. I'm sure every addict says that they can handle it…A few years later they are either in the hospital, or in rehab.

**Later**

"Eli, there's a person waiting to be seated!" I hear Barbra yell at me. I drop my book and get some menus out.

I look to see who it is. Bianca. I sigh. I wasn't in the mood. I lead her to a booth. "Hey stranger," She smiles. I look down at the table.

"So, are we doing it tonight?" She laughs. I shrug. "Come on, it'll be fun." She nudges me. I fill up her water. "Okay," I give in. I need to get more anyway. "Drew and K.C are going to be there." She smiles at me like I'm some prey.

"Great, this should be fun." I roll my eyes leaving her table. I head back reading my book for English.

I go out and check on my tables a few more times. I always save Bianca's for last. She grabs my arm. I shrug her away. What have I done.

When my shift is done, I say bye to Barbra and Favio and I follow Bianca back to her car.

"Where are we going?" I ask as I get in her car. I see a familiar car. I put my head down. It's Clare's moms car. Oh God. "SHIT!" I yell. Bianca looks.

She smiles. "Little girlfriend." She whispers. I see Clare look at my car, her head slowly turns to Bianca's. Betrayed. Scarred. Torn. We're over.

She hates me. HATES ME. That's all I think about as Bianca pulls out.

I start to shed a few tears. "Oh, lighten up." Bianca rolls her eyes. "You don't understand…" Wonder if she dies tonight? That last thing I said was fuck off. I ball my fists again.

I'm a monster.

Never in my life would I think I would be in the same car as Bianca. Or doing anything with Bianca. She had something up her sleeve.

"Where are we going?" I ask. "To a cabin," She turns right on a road. We're about an half an hour outside of Toronto. "I found it last year. No one claimed it. I kind of just snuck in. Whoever owns it never goes there anymore. I kind of inherited it."

I see two other cars. Must be K.C and Drew.

When we park, she grabs her stash from under her seat. I get out and get the Smirnoff from the trunk. K.C and Drew meet me there. I hand them a bottle.

"Where's Fitz?" I ask. K.C answers, "He's coming later," I look over at Bianca. She smiles deviously. What have I got myself into. This isn't me. I don't do this.

I hear the music from the inside of the house. I put the stuff on the kitchen table and I see the red Dixie cups. I take a lid off of one of the Smirnoffs and begin to fill up for five people.

I quickly chug mine letting it burn up my stomach. "Whoa buddy slow down," Drew punches my arm. I hand him a cup. "So, I uh, saw your outburst with Clare." K.C. says taking a cup.

"If you knew what was good for you. You'd keep out of it," I say as I pour another round. He puts his hands up in surrender. "Hey Bianca, your new boyfriend is sensitive."

A wave of mixed emotion hits me. Anger, and depression. I'm not Bianca's. I'm Clare's. And I shouldn't be doing this. I quickly drink some more.

Bianca just smiles as she brings over her stash. "Eight ball right?" She asks taking it out. K.C. pays her upfront and Drew counts his money.

"Guys, check this out," Bianca gets a needle out. My stomach turns inside. I hate needles. "Heroine," I mumble. She must of heard me. "First time is free?" She winks.

I know there's something else behind it. I don't want to know. I shake my head. "I'm good." I decline quickly.

K.C and Drew wimp out too. "Doesn't that lead to meth or something?" Drew asks. "It can. But I'm not joining the mother ship any time soon." Bianca rolls her eyes.

I get my stash out from my pocket and cut a line. I quickly snort it up. It burns the inside of my nose. K.C. and Drew follow along. Bianca waits in the background, drinking her Smirnoff.

Everything is starting to get heated.

After a few snorts, I'm faded out of it. Laughing at everything and anything. The lines on the wall. Peoples facial expression. How pissed Bianca looks. How she looks like a lioness. I want to laugh at her, pull her hair. I want to pull my hair.

I laugh at the thought of pulling her hair. She'd be pissed. I laugh again. Fitz walks in and takes a drink from Bianca's cup. "Damn, I haven't had Smirnoff in forever. I forgot what it does." He laughs.

"It goes right through you." Drew laughs annoyingly. Fitz raises an eyebrow. From behind him three girls enter in. K.C. and Drew eyes bulge out. Oh God.

I feel like I'm going to puke. I'm so hot off of my own adrenaline. I need to run, sleep, hide, laugh. Shake it off. I feel like flying, soaring. I want to soar so high no one can touch me.

The world is spinning fast. "Where are the bedrooms?" I ask Bianca. She smiles taking my hand. This time, I don't push her away. I don't trust myself with my balance.

She shoves me into a room. I turn on the lights, but she turns them off. "What the fuck-" I mumble, but her lips are on mine. I try to shove her off.

I switch turns on me. I…Like it. Or I'm not thinking right. Either way, I don't want to move.

My walls are dropping. Clare is screaming as my wall tumbles. She would never give me this…I pull her over to the bed. The heat comes back, I'm sweating and shaking.

Her hands crawl up my shirt. She moans. I don't do anything. I let her take care of the rest.

Take care of the rest…

**Later**

My head is screaming. My body is too. I open my eyes.

Oh God. Bianca. She is laying right next to me. Naked. I get up and rub my eyes. I need to get out of here.

I get up quickly. I get out and go out into the hall. I push Drew. He wakes up. Three bottles of Smirnoff are laying around him. The three girls are on the couches K.C. has one in his arms.

"DREW!" I yell. He looks distant. "What bro?" He rubs the back of his head. "Can you take me home?" I ask. I sigh. I should have taken Morty. He gets up slowly.

He stretches out a bit. "Where were you and Bianca? Fitz was pissed…" He whispers at the thought. Crap. I feel so dirty. "No way. You did it with Bianca! Was that your first time?" He asks animatedly. I roll my eyes.

"No, I did it with my other girlfriend." Julia. I take his keys. "Are we going or not?" He takes them from my hand. "Yeah, lets go."

Now what do I do?

**Did you see that coming? Review! **


	5. Chapter 5

**I don't know about this chapter. I needed this chapter to introduce another side of Eli I guess. I have something planned for Bianca. A different side to her. And Clare. **

**I referenced something from Insomnia in here too. **

**I do not own Degrassi.**

After Drew dropped me off I went home and slept till the next day. My mom confronted me when I woke up.

"Eli, we're worried about you." She started out. I shrugged her off. "Yeah, who isn't…" I mumbled sitting on the couch. "We don't know who you are anymore. Did something go wrong with Clare?" She sat down next to me.

I scooted over a bit, keeping my distance. "Kind of. But I'm going to go fix it soon…If that is okay?" I didn't look at her. I sort of had a hangover.

"Have you gone to therapy?" She asks, moving the hair out of my eyes. I sigh. Crap. I forgot to go yesterday. I shake my head. "I didn't get to…"

She looks at me again. Not saying anything. "Are you sure you're okay?" She puts her hand on mine. "You're shaking." She says. I didn't know…

"I need to go mom. I have to talk to Clare." I really missed her. I needed to talk to her. Hold her. I would beg if I had too. To take me back.

I got up and went to Morty. Trying to forget my hangover, my migraine. My head was buzzing.

I can't believe I had sex with Bianca. I can't believe who I've been this whole week. I felt guilty, which made mew ant to do it more. I had the dry burning in my throat.

I fought the burn all the way to Clare's house. Her parents didn't look like they were home. I was half glad, and half worried.

I knocked on the door. I was shaking really bad. She opened the door. She saw me and folded her arms.

"What?" She asked, her voice sharp. "I need to talk to you." I looked down. "What for? I think we did all the talking." She grabs the door, I step up, blocking it. "Clare, I really need to talk to you."

She sighed and stepped out of the way. I slowly walked in.

"I know I've been acting…weird lately. Actually I've been acting like an asshole. I'm sorry." I look down. Come clean Eli. Tell her what's really going on…I can't.

"I just…got new pills. Anti depressants…and um, they've been making me act up..." Lame excuse…

She sits down next to me and takes my hand. "You could have told me." She whispers. I can't look at her. Guilt fills my stomach. I feel like hurling. It feels like someone punched me in the stomach.

"Are…we okay?" I ask her. She looks at me. "It can't happen again. Just tell me next time."

I try to smile. "Okay," My phone vibrated. I got it out of my pocket and see who was calling.

"Is that your mom?" She asks smiling. It definitely wasn't my mom. "Why is Bianca calling you?" She asks. I didn't answer. "Oh my God, are you using?" She looks at me in the eyes.

"No, I'm not. I told you, just my pills. I don't know why she is calling me." Half like, half truth. Just a small white lie. "Are you going to answer?" She looks at me.

I press connect. "Hello?" I say. "Tonight?" Is all she says. I sigh. "I don't know." I sigh. I need to stop. Have to try to stop.

I hang up the phone and look at Clare and smile. "Need help?" I look down at her text books. She smiles, and nods. "French first?" She raises her eyebrow.

I lean in, "Of course."

**Later**

A few hours later I am sitting at the Dot with Adam. "So, I just wanted to say, I'm sorry for being an asshole." I look up from my cup. He thinks about it. "If it happens again, dude, we are no longer in a bromance." He laughs.

I laugh despite myself. "Cool, so, let's hang out?" I needed an excuse to stay away. "I'd love to, but I got homework…Plus my mom is kind of strict with that stuff." He grimaces.

"Great, maybe I can be of assistance?" I ask lightly. "Dude, is there something wrong?" He looks at me, worried. I shake my head. "No, just trying to be friendly. I didn't know it was a crime…"

I look at the entrance and see Bianca and Fitz strolling in. Shit! I put my head down. "What?" Adam whispers doing the same thing. "Nothing." I shake my head. "Are you sure you don't need help with homework?" I ask desperately.

He nods. "Yeah, I think I can handle it. I'm not that stupid," He cracks a smile. I try to smile back, but Bianca is looking. I go out the back door.

"Dude!" I can hear Adam say. I shake my head as I get in Morty. I'm working less. I don't have to work at the diner today. I wish I did. It would be so much easier.

I hit the steering wheel. Damn this. The burning in my throat comes back. I want to be high. I sound desperate. But that's how it is. You can't flirt with crank and get away with it without strings attached. Crank reminded me of…Bianca.

I never thought of her like that. I didn't like her. I never even paid attention to her. Until now. I never and still haven't lusted at her. I don't even remember last night. Not well that is.

All of us were pretty out of it. All I remember is having sex. That's not something you forget.

Fitz is going to kill me. I'm sure he knows. I have a flashback of Vegas Night. I cringe at the thought. I haven't thought about that night for a while. I dreamt about it. On my down days, I would dream of him actually plunging the knife into me.

My guilt often made me suicidal right after Julia died. It was like I couldn't breathe. Before I met Clare I was suicidal. Nearly jumped off the edge of a cliff I took Julia…and Clare to.

As of right now, my thoughts are scattered, the guilt is coming back, and I don't know where I am going…I'm lost all over again.

I could go back to Clare's. Confess. Spill the beans. Tell my parents I deserve punishment. Not for just the drug, but for Julia, for Clare. For everything I fucked up on.

I know just how to get it, too.

**Later**

I met Bianca at her apartment with Drew and Fitz. K.C. had to do something with Jenna apparently.

It started out slow. I made sure I was pretty out of it before I made my next move on anything.

I gulped down two glasses of Smirnoff pretty quick. Fitz was pretty drunk as it is. The more drunk, the more aggressive. Bianca was bubbly. Drew was snorting it up.

I drew a line for myself and did the same. "Hey Bianca." I yelled. Fitz looked up from his line. She smiled at me. "Remember last night?" Even though I can't remember.

"What the hell happened last night?" Fitz asks coming in between us. Bianca looks at both of us. "We uh," She looks down. "Say it," I interject. "Had sex."

In a brief moment Fitz has me pinned to the floor. "What the fuck?" Bianca and Drew say in unison. Fitz hits me in the jaw. Punches me in the gut. I laugh. "You punch like my grandma." I laugh again.

That just makes him even more mad. Drew tries to pull him off me. But he gets hit in the process.

All I do is smile.

**Reviews are appreciated.**


	6. Chapter 6

**I need to get this out of the way. I do not ship Bianca and Eli in any way. I am a true ECLARE fan for life…I do however have grown very interested in Bianca though. I find her interesting. And I would LOVE if Degrassi did a background story for her. I also like Fitz(Well, to be honest, I have a love/hate relationship with him)**

**I know, there isn't much of Eclare. I am going to try to add that in here. Near the end. Clare is going to do something unexpected. But I will definitely try. In this chapter I decided to add Bullfrog. He's amazing. Reminds me of my dad and I when we have our talks.**

**And in this chapter, this really happened to me in real life too. And my Uncle. This just a chapter in my crazy life.**

**Reviews make me happy.**

**I do not own Degrassi.**

I don't remember blacking out, but I wasn't on Bianca's floor when I did regain consciousness. I was in a hospital bed.

I heard a beep I looked over at my monitor. Had they called the cops? Or did the cops come to us? Or did they take me here? I don't remember. All I know is, my head is killing me.

I take a quick look at my body. It's pretty much swollen everwhere. Then I remember. Fitz. I look over to the exit. I want to leave. I want to let Fitz beat me up some more.

Am I that bad? I'm not dying. Right?

"Hey," I look over and see my dad. That's kind of weird. Usually my mom would have been here.

"Hey dad," My voice is a bit hoarse. The dry burning in the back of my throat.

I start to shake. He's probably pissed at me. He probably wants to hit me for being so stupid. I'll let him.

He grabs a chair and pulls it up right next to my bed.

"Would you like to explain to me what the hell happened?" He looks at me straight in the eyes. I look away.

I never thought my dad and I looked alike. We got along. When he was home. I guess what I picked up from him is his attitude. More of my emotions, and caring came from my mom.

"Not really," I whisper. "I guess it's a good thing that you're telling me anyways." He laughs. I sigh. No point. "I got in a fight with Fitz. That's it." I shrug it off. "The jackass that tried to stab you? What the fuck were you doing with him?"

I want to slap him. My dad pulls my bag of clothes out, and I see broken pieces of the bottle embedded in it. "Did he hit you with this?" He takes some out from my shirt.

I try to remember. It's taking all of me to remember. "No." Is what escapes my lips.

"Are you doing drugs?" My dad for sure knows the answer. I'm sure they could tell when I first came in.

"No." I say again. My dad rolls his eyes and laughs with no humor. "I may have taught you some bad habits, but this isn't one of them." He shakes his head.

"Let me tell you something, drugs isn't something you should try to just try. You're an idiot if you think so. Do you know how bad it affects people?" He pressed.

"I know dad! I know….I'm not stupid. I hear what you're telling me,"

"But you don't care," He finishes. He looks at me again, I keep my composure.

I hated hospitals. I hated the feeling. I would never want to die in here.

"How long have I been in here for?" The days are a blur. "Passed out for three days." He tells me, leaning back in his chair,

"Did Clare or Adam come?" I look down trying to act cool about this. "Yeah, they both did." I worry a little. Clare is going to break up with me. She knows I lied. Adam probably hates me now. I dig my fingers into my palms.

"Whoa, calm down there." I am reminded. My monitor. My heart was beating faster than normal. I was on the brink of losing it.

"Another girl came yesterday." My dad tells me. "She was pretty upset. Curly hair." He says. Bianca.

"Don't you have work tonight?" I ask my dad. He shrugs. "Dad, just go. I don't want you to lose your job because of me." It was more of me not wanting to feel guilty about that too.

No matter what I did, every move I make, I always seem to hurt someone.

He sits up. "You're mom is better at this than I am," He says patting my head before leaving.

Now, I have my room to myself. I can try to sleep. But I'm not tired. I sit up. The nurse comes in. "Did you want to walk around?" She asks me. No fucking duh. It's the only reason why I got up.

My anger is a short fuse. "Yeah." Is all I say.

"Okay, well, would you like help?" She smiles at me. I shake my head. "No, I got it." I walk slowly. I pass by the mirror. I look like fuck.

"What hospital am I at?"

"Teen factuality." The nurse says. I nod slowly. I heard about this. Its for teens who had struggled with some mental issues. Most suicidal teens came here. I shake my head. Great.

I walk past a group of kids. I go into a game room. "Hey, new guy." One girl says. I shake my head. "Are you going to be here for long?" A guy asks. He's tiny. He has his whole hand gauzed.

"What happened there?" I ask him. He looks down. "Cutter." He says.

"What about you?" He asks. "I got into a fight." I shrug. "I can definitely see that." The girl says. I sit down at the table.

"But there's more to the story, right." The dude says. I nod. "There's always is." I drop it.

"Drugs." I say after a while. The girl nods. The guy just stares at me. Half amazed and half shocked. "What do you want some? I can probably hook you guys up…"

The gauzed guys shakes his head. "Isn't that illegal?"

"What, are you stupid!" I laugh. "I guess that's the reason why I'm here." He says. I just put my foot in my mouth. "I didn't-" He puts his hand up, and gets up with the girl.

"Don't even bother." He mumbles.

I look down even more guilty. Then I start to panic. Oh God. Wonder if he dies tonight? Wonder if he is going to try to kill himself cause of me? Two murders….That's way more than I can take. I feel the tears rush to my eyes.

But I won't allow it to happen. I shake my head all the way to my room.

Fucking idiot. Fucking loser. Ugh! Damnit!

I lay down on my bed. I needed a line. It was getting to the point where I needed it more than ever.

Knock knock," I hear a familiar voice. Clare.

"Hey," I look down. "How are you feeling?" She says, as she sits down in my dad's seat. I look at her plainly. "Right. Stupid question."

She rests her hand on my forehead. "I'm not going to ask what happened yet. Mostly because I'm really scared of the answer." She says looking at me like she's disappointed.

"I heard what you told that kid. Calling him an idiot. That's all I heard, but I knew you would feel guilty about it so I rushed to your room." She says lightly.

I turn my face away from her. The first time I saw her within a week it seemed like. I wanted to hold her like I use to. I want her trust back. I know I lost it.

She takes my head and turns it back towards her. "Why are you crying?" She says holding my face between her hands. I tried holding it back, but I couldn't even handle it.

"I've fucked up Clare." Is all that comes out. She stands up and leans over and cradles me in her arms as best she could.

I don't belong here! I don't deserve this! It feels so good…. I shouldn't want this…I shake my head. She lets me go and stares into my eyes.

"What did you do?" She asks.

"I just got into a fight. That's all." I shrug it off again.

She looks at me. "Liar."


	7. Chapter 7

They had let me out after a few more days. Clare came over every day. It usually ended up in a fight whenever she came.

She'd run out of the room crying, but she always came back to keep me company. We didn't talk about what happened. Not yet that is.

Before they released me, Bianca came by, high, luckily Clare wasn't here when she did. Whenever Bianca came by she never said anything. She just stared at me.

"_So, is there a reason you're here? Or are you just going to fucking stand there and stare at me?" _

"_Damn, cool down cranky." Bianca looked down and started to cry. "I'm having fucking withdrawals, and a bit cranky. Excuse me for having feelings, too." I rolled my eyes. _

She kept coming the same time every night, and do the same thing. I had no idea why. I wanted to call, but I decided it would be better if I kept my distance.

That's when I decided, I needed a change. I needed to try to stop.

When I got home I decided I would sleep on the couch instead of my room.

They told me I lost a lot of blood. I didn't really care.

Adam is coving over today. He refers to my mom his mom. Which is funny. At first. But I soon found out that when I wasn't here, Adam was. Which pissed me off a little. I felt replaced by my family. Even Clare hung out with Adam. Although, I don't blame them.

"Adam is here!" Bullfrog yelled. I was on the couch watching the tv. My mind was blank. I didn't feel like moving. I didn't feel like ddoing much of anything.

"Hey dude." Adam said sitting down. I nodded at him, trying to smile. "Bummed?" He asked. I nodded.

I was having withdrawals. I needed something to get the dry burn out of my throat. I got up and went to the kitchen. I know I haven't said a word. But I grabbed two beers from the fridge.

I handed on to Adam, he took it. "So, how are you?" He asked. This was awkward. He didn't want to be here. I could tell that. "I've been great." I say. He cracks a smile.

He looks at me. "I can tell by your battle scars." I just nod. "Okay, am I bothering you or something?" Adam asks. I shake my head.

"I'm going to leave. If you care." He gets up and sighs. I watch him leave. Fucking idiot. Eli, you're a fucking idiot.

I can't make anyone happy, I swear. No matter what I do, I always end up hurting the ones I love. I don't mean to. It just happens.

"Eli, Adam, what do you guys want to-" CeCe stops dead in her tracks. "Where did Adam go?" She asks. I get up. "Your son left." I get up and get my keys to Morty.

"Where the hell are you going?" I feel a hand on my arm. I shrug it off. "Let go of me dad," I say when he doesn't let go. "No, you tell your mom where you are going?"

I look at her. "I'm going to go get high. Okay? Bye." I yank him off of me. He grabs me again and shoves me to the wall. "You said you wanted to stop!" He yells at me.

"You're spitting on me," I laugh. He bangs his fist at the drywall. "Ohh. Scary." I roll my eyes. "Can I go now?" I ask.

He shoves me again. "Just fucking punch me already dad! Damnit I know you want to!" I yell back at him, and shove him. "Eli, stop." My mom gets in between us. "Just leave me the hell alone," I shove my dad off me and get my coat.

I run to Morty afraid to look back at them. I took off once I started the car. I have no idea where the hell I was going.

I went to the place where I took Clare and Julia to see the stars. It was dark out.

In the back of my car, I had gasoline. And a lighter…

**Later**

I had gone to see the stars, but it wasn't the same without Clare there. I should call her and apologize. I'm surprised she stuck around this long. I ended up at the diner.

"You use to live here at this diner. I can't believe you're here." Barbra says, sitting down, coffee mug in hand. "No where else to go," I shrug. "You should be at home in bed, sleeping. Plus, you're recovering." She smiles at me.

"I'm recovered."

"You don't look like it." She says pouring me another cup of coffee. "I don't know…." I sigh. "Well, what's on your mind?" She says. "A lot." I laugh with no humor.

"I get it." She says getting up from the booth. "Talking to an old lady about your problems isn't cool." She laughs. "It's not that…" I shake my head. "It's okay Eli. I think I need to unclog a toilet. This building is slowly falling apart. I'm always fixing something." She says.

"Why not rebuild?" I ask. She shrugs. "It's always been here. Passed down from my fathers father. To me." She smiles as she heads to the washroom.

"Hey," Bianca. I want to leave. "I was just leaving." I get up. Her hands pull me back down. "Sit," She says. "What?" I sigh.

"I need to talk to you." She says. "What?" I snap. "Why can't you girls just say it. It would make it so much easier."

"Yeah, I bet people could say the same thing about you." She rolls her eyes. "Oh, burn…" I roll my eyes. "Just shutup and listen." She says.

"I'm all ears." I sigh. She sighs. "Let's get high first." She says. Sounds tempting. I would say yes. But I want to know what she has to say.

"Tell me first."

She shakes her head. I roll my eyes but get up and get in my car. "Where are we going?" She asks me. I think about it. "Just follow me." I tell her as I get in. I know where to go now.

There was a barn that Julia and I went to. It was our escape in ninth grade. I haven't been here since tenth grade. No one ever went to it anymore. It was pretty much abandoned.

"Wow." Bianca says getting out. "I get the lighter and the gasoline. "What are you doing?" She says grabbing my arm. "I'm going to light it on fire." I tell her, shrugging her off of my arm.

"Wait," She says getting the crank out. I set the stuff down on the hood of the car. She draws each of us a line. My hands are shaking. It's been two weeks.

I snort it up, and wait for it to kick in.

"Whoa," I say after a while. "HEAD RUSH!" Bianca blurts. I nod, laughing. I get the gasoline and the lighter.

There's hay in the barn. I pour the gasoline on that, and then light it. Nearly burns my hand. It starts to spread. I feel the heat.

We get back in our cars. I watch it. I hear sirens from the city. It's not even that big yet. We both decide to go back to her apartment. I'm surprised I can drive. I was twitching all the way here. I had so many thoughts running in my mind.

"Wow, that was fun." She laughs. I nod. Brain waves ping-ponging inside my skull. My lungs fought to hold air. I huffed and puffed. I was starting to come down from high. It wasn't affective like it use to be. I broke out into a panicky sweat. The littlest things started to set me off.

After making out for a while, she starts to cry again. I drew away. Feeling my heart drop to my stomach. Clare. Adam. My dad. My mom. Me.

"I have to go." I got my jacket. "WAIT!" She grabs me. "What?"

"I'm pregnant." She tells me.


	8. Chapter 8

**I don't know if I'm going to keep continue writing this….But this chapter is needed for the future. It's a little weird, but I promise there's a purpose for it…**

**Reviews are great…**

**Anyways. I do not own Degrassi.**

The choices I've been making were starting to come back and bite me in the ass.

When Bianca told me. I did my process. Get in Morty and drive until morning. Normally that would help me, but things were different.

I had gone home and changed my shirt. My mom walked in on me. "Eli, look at you." She came over to me, taking the shirt completely off. "What?" I said feeling exposed.

She put her hands on my stomach. "You're…Scary skinny. Have you been eating at all?" She asked worried. I looked away. She didn't need to see my bloodshot eyes.

I sniffed a little. My nostrils have been clogged. I think I was getting sick. " Not really. I haven't been in the mood…." I put my shirt on.

"I made you breakfast." She says, patting my shoulder.

I watch her leave, and I look down at myself. I didn't want to eat, but I figured I could do it. Just for my mom. Perhaps I'll purge it later…

"Damnit boy, say something!" Bullfrog said, slamming the table. "What do you want me to say?" I say shrugging. "You're not yourself."

I roll my eyes. "That tends to happen." I get up and take a bite of toast then throw it away.

How I got to school, I have no idea. It felt like I had somehow relapsed. Like I enjoyed the pain. Because the pain made me feel something. But the thing with that. You start to become immune to that. It no longer has affect over you. The next big thing.

Clare met me at my locker. I smiled at her as best as I could. I was scanning the crowds of people for Bianca. She was thinking about aborting it. It wasn't my body. I really didn't have a say. I wanted to tell her that I would respect her decision either way.

"So, how are you?" I asked her. I took her hand. I was unsure of our relationship. I was going to try to make things better. She looks down at our hands.

"I think…I think we need to talk. Meet me at the dot at lunch?" She asked walking into her class. I nod at her. Turning away.

What did she want to talk about? I could come up with a million things. She wanted to break up. I wouldn't blame her. I would have broken up with me the day we started going out.

I walked past Adam. He looked at me briefly but turned the other way. I felt bad. And guilty. I was such an ass. Things would never be the same.

Bianca was drenched in water. I went over to her. "What the hell happened?" I asked. "Someone's loose lips might have slipped my big secret." She said.

"It wasn't me." I shrugged. "I know, It was me. I told Fitz." She smiles. "Why would you do that?" I started to back away. "Cause you deserve to get your ass kicked!" She says. "You did this to me!" She shoves me a little.

"What are you talking about? Where do you…" I shake my head turning away.

"Oh don't lie! You liked it! Probably the first time you got some, bastard!" She yells. I look around me. She started a scene. Great. Leave it to Bianca. Adam shakes his head at me.

"You knocked up Bianca." He whispers. "Yeah, something you can't do." I tell him going to Art.

**Later**

It was nearly twelve and I had ditched school. I went to the abandoned church and sat on the hood of Morty. I didn't smoke really. But I decided it was better than crank.

I got a text from Clare asking if I was already at the dot. I texted her I would be there in a few minutes. I wasn't going. I couldn't go. I didn't want to know what she wanted to talk about.

And I'm sure Adam already told her what happened with Bianca. Fuck, the whole school knew what had happened to Bianca. I really hated myself. Almost as much as I hate myself about the whole Julia.

Mistake after mistake. How deep can I get?

I knew what I needed to do. I needed to get help. But I couldn't…. I don't really even want it. It was a flaw of mine. I was headstrong. But I knew I needed it.

I got off of Morty and I started to drive to Bianca's apartment. I figured she would be home. I knocked on her apartment door. She opened. Fitz was on the couch.

Oh crap.

I walked in. Fitz stood up. "It's not like you guys were together. All you guys did was get high and fuck each other." I point out to them.

"True, but we used condoms." He snarls. "Defensive." I note as I sit down on her couch. I take a drink from the beer on the table. "What are you going to do?" I ask her. She looks down.

"I don't know." She shakes her head. She eats some of the ketchup chips. "What are you going to do?" Fitz asks me.

"I don't know either. Support any decision she makes." I

He laughs. "How cute."

"Maybe you should try it. You might actually get a girl." I roll my eyes. "Yeah, I did. And I ended up in Juvie when I tried to pretend to stab her boyfriend."

"Yet you're here." I sigh. "And now you knocked up my…"

"Your what?" Bianca says, raising an eyebrow. "Never mind." Fitz shakes his head.

"I need more crank." I say after a while of silence. Bianca goes into her room and comes out with an eight ball. "Two hundred." She sighs. "Are you serious? You charged me more!" Fitz says, pushing her.

"Whoa, calm down." I push him back. "You tricked me." He shoves me. Bianca backs away.

"Fitz, fuck yourself." Bianca shakes her head. "What are you going to stab me?" She says, rolling her eyes.

"Hit me." She says. I get up. Taking the eight ball. "You guys are ridiculous." I say as I exit out the door. I didn't pay for it. They didn't seem to notice.

I heard something break. I cringed, but I didn't turn back. Don't ever turn back…

It was almost time for my shift. I had snorted before. I needed to act alive for the people. All glassy eyed.

I was more energetic. On my break I went out to smoke.

Barbra joined me. "Does your mom know you smoke?" She said using my lighter. I snorted. "Hell no." I shake my head. "I really have no right to tell you that you shouldn't. Been smoking since your age." She laughs. I just nod. Shaking.

"Boy, are you cold?" She looks at me. "Nope. The appropriate word would be…alive." I laugh.

She looks at me. "You've changed." She says taking one last smoke but then throwing it out. "I have to get back to work." She pats my knee.

I bend down. It's still burning. I get a piece of paper off the ground and light it on fire. I watch it as the fire slowly starts to burn the paper, making its way to the top.

I press the butt of the cigarette into my skin. "Oww…" I mumble. It starts to form a round mark on my skin. I rub it a little to make the sting stop.

I start to think about it. What would it be like to burn a whole building? My thoughts were taking me places. It could be fun. Stupid. But fun.

I get up, and quickly look at the diner.

**R&R!**


End file.
